Words Under Trees

everything is horrible and nothing is right.

I’d tell you I miss you but I don’t know how

Today the first boy I ever truly wanted to be with left the country for a war zone.

God, please, please, please, keep him safe. 

she drew the pictures, he colored them

She thought about him day and night. Like a photograph tacked to the wall of her brain, he was there in her head, and no matter how hard she tried again and again to take the photograph down, to tear it up and throw it away, he was still there….always there. Every night she cried herself to sleep, naked and curled up underneath the sea of bedclothes, the tears from last night starting to mold on her pillow.
The days were a blur without him. She drew the pictures, he colored them. Now the color was gone from her life, and it all seemed worthless. All her friends said, time, give it time and you’ll be fine before you know it; but she couldn’t quite believe it. Only one of her friends said: you’ll look back on this and wonder what you could have done differently… 
The worst thing was that she didn’t even know what exactly went wrong. The days had been perfect. They walked the streets hand in hand, picnicked under the trees in the park, and held each other as the sun went down. The one day they had a fight - now she couldn’t even remember what it was about - she told him that he needed to get his act together, and he shouted, You don’t know how hard I work for you! You don’t know how much you hurt me with your words.  
How do I hurt you? she demanded, astonished. All these years, and she’d never known.  
Nevermind, he said, you wouldn’t understand.  
How am I supposed to stop hurting if you if I don’t know what I’m doing?! she protested. Or does every little thing I do just drive you mad and you never told me?  
Nevermind, nevermind, he said, and turned away.  
After that they began to drift apart. She couldn’t stop second-guessing herself, always thinking, what if I’m hurting him this very moment? Every word, every action, she couldn’t know anymore, she couldn’t read him. He kept his face stiff and locked, like the painted features of a doll. Fake mouth, fake eyes, fake smile…fake love. 
Even when he touched her, it was with sadness and remembering, not with joy and affection. She began cry at night, and after a few weeks he stopped trying to console her, stopped saying, it’ll be all right; because they both knew it wouldn’t. They both knew what was coming.  
He sat her down on the couch, she on the left cushion, he on the right, and the center cushion separating them; he said, I think we should take some time…I think we should see other people.  
No…no, she said. Please, no.  
We aren’t the same, he said.  
Don’t you love me? she whispered, the tears burning her throat.  
I don’t know what I feel anymore, he told her; Do you?  
She wanted to say, of course I do, I love you!…but she couldn’t. Because truthfully, she didn’t know either.  
So he left, taking all the color with him. And every day she wondered…what on earth went wrong?

i will love you still

There is a small world filled with 
Sunshine and the soft tingling
of wind chimes
The place between sleeping and waking; 
That’s where I will love you always.

Too many things separate us here
but in your dreams, before you wake,
I will love you still.

Perhaps you could meet me there
Someday, someday,
and together we can
watch the sun, bright and warm,
Sail up over the earth and
bless us with light.

If you ever wonder, my dear,
where I have gone,
just look for me in that place
of sun and bells -

and there in your dreams,
I will love you still.